Improving Communication Skills
"People fail to get along because they fear each other; they fear each other because they don't know each other; they don't know each other because they have not communicated with each other." ‑‑Martin Luther King, Jr.
The goal of communication is to be understood. How well people understand each other depends on how well they communicate. Although communication is defined simply as the means of exchanging information, it is, in reality, very complex. Communication is both verbal and non‑verbal and is influenced by many factors such as age, gender, race, socioeconomic status, education level, speech impediments, and hearing impairments.
Effective communication exists when people are able to exchange information accurately about facts and feelings. Poor communication exists when people are not able to understand accurately the facts and/or feelings being shared. Poor communication often leads to misunderstandings which become unnecessary conflicts.
There are many potential blocks to achieving effective communication.
The most common blocks include: poor body language, poor listening, "you" statements, "loaded" words,
and unwillingness to acknowledge a differing perspective.
"I" Statements
"I" statements are familiar to most educators, but many are
reluctant to use them because they
seem artificial and stilted. An "I" statement is a way to analyze
and reframe a situation. The
traditional formula is:
I feel (put
a name on the emotion and claim it)
when (formulate
a non judgmental description of the behavior)
because (describe
the tangible effects of the behavior).
More important than using the statement is the process one must go through to formulate it. Beginning statement with "I" instead of "you" helps people take responsibility for their own feelings and actions. Working through the statement gives clarity about both feelings and the situation that provoked them.
"I" statements are a conflict management technique because they require individuals to put space between their action and their reaction. This allows them to get in touch with their feelings and to choose an appropriate response instead of reacting spontaneously. Although using "I" statements can be uncomfortable at first, they are effective, and using them gets easier with time because individuals learn how to adapt the statements so that they sound natural.
Modeling "I" statements for students is important. You may want to stop in the midst of a "you" statement and struggle in front of the students to formulate an "I" statement. This will show the students that you think "I" statements are important and that it is natural to struggle when learning something new. Students will also begin to notice a difference in how they feel as the recipient of an "I" statement versus a "you" statement.
Non‑Verbal Communication Skills
Do actions really speak louder than words? If a person says "this is really important to me" and rolls her eyes at the same time, do you believe her verbal or non‑verbal cues? If someone says he has time to talk to you now, but he continues to erase the chalkboard, organize his desk, and gather books to take home, do you believe his verbal or non‑verbal cues? Research has indicated that most people believe non‑verbal cues (also referred to as body language) over verbal cues when the two cues are inconsistent with each other.
This seems to be especially true in conflict situations. People involved
in a conflict tend to pay close attention to the body language, voice
inflections, and word choice of others involved in the conflict. Body
language is often a major cause for rapid escalation of conflicts. To
communicate and manage conflict effectively, individuals must possess
good non‑verbal communication skills.
Active Listening
Listening is hard work and requires more than sitting and looking at a person while they talk. Active listening is a term used to refer to a set of listening skills that includes good body language, listening, asking questions, and summarizing facts and feelings. Active listening also requires the listener to select a time and location that is conducive to good communication, to reduce internal and external distractions, to avoid making assumptions and to refrain from giving advice.
Most of us have experienced the frustration of trying to work out a conflict with a person who is not willing or able to listen. These individuals are probably distracted because they are reacting out of anger, trying to prove themselves right, place blame on others, or formulate their next argument.
Fortunately, most of us have also encountered people we consider good listeners. They often listen attentively, exhibit good body language, summarize the facts, acknowledge your feelings, ask clarifying questions, and avoid giving unwanted advice.
Active listening is an important skill for managing conflict. In a conflict situation, a listener who asks clarifying questions and summarizes facts and feelings enables the speaker to feel that he/she has been given a chance to be heard. Many conflicts are resolved through active listening because the pasties realize the conflict is simply a misunderstanding. Even when a true disagreement exists, individuals who are given an opportunity to have their perspective heard are much more likely to be committed to achieving a win‑win solution.