That's why it's so critical to look beneath the positions to what somebody else's real interests are. One person could say, 'I just had Chinese'; the other doesn't want the carbs from pasta. Now you can calm down enough to find the solution that meets both of your needs -- steak, maybe.

When a relationship is suffering, it's important to think, 'What is this person's story? Abuse? Betrayal? Fear of intimacy?' Once you shift your focus away from yourself and toward the others involved, you've made room for compassion."

Eileen Borris-Dunchunstang, Ed.D, director of training at the Institute for Multi-Track Diplomacy and author of "Finding Forgiveness"